just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
