NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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