I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you traded sex for a burrito?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize