I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
