Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
