I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
