He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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