I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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