hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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