I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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