i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
