Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
two words...techno handjob
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
