2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is Oprah even human
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
