as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize