I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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