textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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