Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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