The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
