Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
