He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
