"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
