I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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