after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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