For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
