On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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