I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you inspire me to be a worse person
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
