I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize