This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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