i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
