I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize