So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
