Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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