i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
