Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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