sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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