Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
