Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
