and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
