Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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