let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
