FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She bit a glass in half.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
