Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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