OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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