I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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