He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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