She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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