I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Farmville is her only friend.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize