the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
