i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
