I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
