Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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