you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
