I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
