my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
