you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
