anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
