Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
