his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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