Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize