i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
