A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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