Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
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