I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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