This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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