Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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