Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
